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Words We Should Ban Indefinitely

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Today, Katy Steinmetz over at TIME posed an incredibly important question: Which Word Should the World's Most Powerful Magazine Ban in 2014? (Did you know TIME had the legal authority to ban words from general usage? Me neither!) Katy (I can call you Katy, right?) is totally spot on about everything, including the part about "kale" and the general idea of banning words that are trendy because trends are dumb and you're only cool if you hate them, but like, in a snobby person way, not in a hipster way.

Unfortunately, the list was—in my opinion—lacking. Below are my candidates for additional words that should drop out of usage because reasons. But instead of voting on them, I propose everything should be banned effective immediately to save time. I'll just assume it was a unanimous decision.

colloquial - I mean, how awful is this word? Professionalism is next to godliness, as the phrase goes. It's never okay to be casual, especially with your speech!

blogger - We're called journalists, thankyouverymuch. We do important work and never ever pander to sensationalism and clicks.

clickbait - This is a term used to delegitimize a source based on its headline alone which makes it some sort of -ist, I'm sure.

any words related to social media - Youth culture secretly reminds me of my own mortality and it's terrifying. See also: technology.

sexting - UGH. YOUTHS. FEMALE YOUTHS IN PARTICULAR. *strangling sound*

selfie - See previous.

ratchet - AAVE annoys and confuses me, but only in a legitimate, concerned way because it's incorrect English. It's about integrity and definitely not in any way connected to classism/racism.

myopic - I have no idea what this word means but I hear it on a regular basis??? Usually when I rant about genuinely serious topics such as words that should be banned?????

misogyny - I'm tired of hearing about it because I'm cool unlike those other girls so if we ban the word it'll just go away, right?

quiche - I hate the stuff! Awful! Gross!

vegan - Aren't they just the worst?

politics - Governmental issues are such a bore, right? Major snooze-city. I don't care for politics, so can we all please stop mentioning it? Period. But why stop there? We should just shut up about everything relating to politics. No more annoying labels like Republican, Democrat, Liberal, Conservative, GOP, gerrymandering, electoral college, etc. Whatev, toss it all out!

all slang - Slang corrupts your internal OS and should not be installed. If your brain has become infected with slang, combination words, words with meanings differing from their original intent, and/or buzzwords, please report to the nearest cleansing facility for detoxification. Please note: Miriam-Webster is NOT compatible with your current firmware version and should never be trusted. Language is not a construct, it is a rigid utilitarian tool with strict, never fluid or evolving rules.


It should go without saying that this entire post is satire, but I'll say it anyway: this post is satire.



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