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Realistic New Year Resolutions

New Year

Ah, the New Year. Time to embrace the forcibly contrived notion of new beginnings and a fresh start by pretending that the past 365 was just a warm-up to the inevitable awesomeness that one more year of life will bring. What better way to say "So long, asshole!" to the end of a calendar period than by attempting to re-evaluate your life in a desperate attempt to escape soul-crushing mediocrity? There isn't one, that's what. Nothing screams "bitter disappointment" like facing the fact like you are a fallible human who has little capacity for change quite like this ritual, so in order to soften the blow, how about we lower our expectations this year? Here goes!

1. Wake up in the morning.

Or early afternoon, whatever works best.

2. Spend no longer than a month accidentally writing 2014 on everything out of habit.

HAHA no one else makes this mistake and you are the worst person ever! Try not to fuck up so much!

3. Achieve singularity with the couch.

We are one. We are...Netflix.

4. Eat food. Any food.

Sometimes eat food that's good for you. Other times gorge on terrible delicious awfulness.

5. Participate in social events when it doesn't conflict with your hermit status.

"Sorry, I can't go out tonight I'm already in my PJs from this morning."

6. Continue owning a gym membership.

And do what you will with it.

7. Be productive once in a while.

Other times, waste a whole afternoon on Twitter. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

8. Have a responsibility that you satisfactorily fulfill on occasion.

Reminder: pets need food at least sometimes to live.

9. Continue doing things you like doing

"Don't fix it if it ain't broke" sort of applies in this situation. Not really, but let's pretend!

10. Make enough money to physically survive.

Gainful employment? Productive member of society? Don't ask, don't tell!

Not to brag, but it looks like I'm already on track to making 2015 the most consistent year yet! What are your drastically reduced goals for 2015?

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